Part I in a three part series

In general, the chemistry between our children and their friends is positive and they share good experiences together. But sometimes they are confronted with difficulties in their relationships. For example, on a given day they may be friendly towards each other and then a few days later they may become angry. They feel as if their friendship is over, only to become the best of friends once again... until another conflict arises, and so on.

When our children are upset by the ups and downs in their relationships with their friends, as parents, we would like to be able to discuss this subject with them and help them improve their personal development in this area. Oftentimes they just need to understand the "laws" that govern interpersonal relations.

Here are some principles that may be useful for empowering discussions with our children in order to help stabilize their relationships with their peers and allow them to become less turbulent and more enjoyable.

1. First, be a true friend. Being ”best friends“ does not mean that we should be forced to spend as much time together as possible. Yes, true friends are frequently to be found together, but it happens naturally, without forcing things, without creating all sorts of obligations towards each other. In this way, being together becomes enjoyable. But when we feel an obligation because that person is our best friend, it can become restrictive. It begins to feel like a time clock has started for the duration of the friendship.

   In other words, being best friends does not mean being slaves to each other. Friends must remain free. If I am not permitted to have other friends without triggering feelings of jealousy on the part of my friend, there is a problem. The friendship then becomes overbearing. And just like me, my best friend also has the right to associate with other people. I should understand that my friend might even associate with someone I do not necessarily get along with. In a true friendship, I am not intimidated by this and I do not begin to imagine that my friend will now start thinking differently about me and perhaps become my enemy.

2. It is important to understand that there are some people we enjoy spending time with often, while others just occasionally, and with some only rarely. We do not have to segregate our true friends from the rest. They are simply the ones we want to be with the most often, while the others seem to cause problems that keep us apart. This means that we do not need to reject anyone. We can be on friendly terms with many people. The real challenge is to find the right balance of time to spend with each one. Even relationships that we seldom enjoy because of differences in temperament or various troubling faults can still have their positive aspects.
3. It can also happen that with two friends one or the other may not be in a good mood on a particular day. Instead of continuing to hang out together, only to bicker and risk losing the friendship, it is better that they temporarily stay away from each other. This will avoid arguments that could lead to a complete rupture of the relationship. There is nothing wrong in saying: You and I do not seem to be on the same page today! How about hooking up tomorrow? And then, simply part company without any resentment.

Guy Poulin

Read Part II
Read Part III

* READERS COMMENTS: Write us to comment on this article at Readers Comments! We are pleased to learn more about the views of our web readers. And let us know if you have important questions on the important life issues. Our editors will endeavour to provide sensible answers.